The Confidence Doc

Self-Esteem: This IS Your Life NOW!

Self-esteem can drive the direction of your life.  How you see yourself affects every aspect of your experience along your life's journey. Self-esteem is the sense of value or self-worth that you feel. 

While I have some memories in my childhood about humility being associated with putting myself down, I no longer believe that rejecting or belittling myself has anything at all to do with humility.  However, if you think of yourself as small, you will live a small life and you will come to see our great Universe as limited.

"Each of us literally chooses, by his way of attending to things, what sort of universe he shall appear to himself to inhabit."  William James

I love the writings of William James, who was a well-known, visionary psychiatrist who passed away near the beginning of the last century. I have a different definition of self-esteem than he does though. 

I can tell you now that there is no absolute consensus on the definition of self-esteem.  Dr. James’ definition is related to how most people define their sense of self, meaning most people think that their worth is directly proportional to their ability to perform in areas that are deemed significant. 

For example, if money is the valued thing, then the self-esteem goes up when the money goes up and down when the bank account drops.  I used to feel this way to a degree.  Years ago, my self-esteem was quite low and it would rise slightly with achievement, but it was definitely never high or healthy - even when I achieved 'big' goals. 

Core Self-Esteem: No Need to Travel to Oz, It Was There All Along!

Self-Esteem is essential to a productive, conscious life, as far as I am concerned.  The key to developing true self-esteem though is to look within.  If you don’t look within, you will surely look ‘without’, meaning to the external world. 

As long as you are looking for validation ‘out there’, you are in trouble!  As I look at the media images, which are now so fake due to digital photography, I can’t help but wonder how much of people’s insecurities, especially teens, are influenced by these often false perceptions. 

Models that are often so touched up on their photos that they are barely recognized on the street, for example set the standards of beauty.  I have literally experienced this situation with a particular model that is well known. 

Then there is the problem of waiting for others to approve of what we are doing or to validate the feasibility of our goals.  If the person asked considers your goal ‘big’, don’t hold your breath. 

People will only project onto you what they believe is possible for themselves and unfortunately, most people have so many limiting beliefs that almost anything outside of the norm looks impossible. 

One of my favorite movies was, and still is, the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy wasn’t satisfied with her life and went looking for someone or something outside of herself to find happiness. She only found the illusion and the manipulation of the wizard. 

While changing your environment can be helpful at times to support your journey, don’t expect it to ‘make you happy’.  Happiness and self-esteem is truly an inside job. 

Confidence Buster: Self-Sabotage from Limiting Beliefs

Confidence is a powerful key in creating a life that is a masterpiece instead of just ‘scribble scrabble’.  At a very young age, I could tell that there were different levels on which to experience life and so did my young son. 

I remember when my son was about three years old, my husband came drove up in his new car and my son suddenly did not want to stay in my car, he wanted to climb out and ride in the new shiny car. 

He also enjoyed air travel on airplanes and the beaches and ocean for vacation.  Now, this does not mean a three year-old is materialistic or greedy.  He just sees what is attractive to him and he enjoys adventure and travel. 

He had and still has the confidence to think ‘big’ and believe that he can create a life that is fun and meaningful for him.  This is the key:  FOR HIM! 

While I emphasize to him the need to be grateful and generous of heart, I believe it is good that he feels empowered to live the lifestyle that is at a level that is comfortable and exciting for him.  I encourage him to go for his highest good and to develop his gifts and talents without regard as to whether or not others approve or think that it is possible or not. 

As long as he truly believes, it is up to him.  Now here is a VERY IMPORTANT point:  It is not what he believes in his head but in his heart, meaning his unconscious or subconscious mind. 

Confidence and Social Conditioning

Confidence is something that is developed with experiences and our level of self-esteem influences our ability to respond confidently or not, to circumstances.  I believe that babies and young children are naturally self-accepting and are risk takers, but that these tendencies to behave boldly are conditioned out of us, consciously and unconsciously. 

We underestimate the power of belief.  In fact, I know that most people do not even realize that their lives evolve around a cluster of beliefs and that beliefs can be changed. 

Usually when I ask someone why he or she thinks the way they do about something they answer that ‘it is just the way it is’ or some variant of this.  Well, I say that it is not ‘just the way it is’ for everyone, but it will be for the person who truly see life from this angle. 

Remember that we do not see reality as it is; we see it as we are. 

It is all about perception, as perceptions rule.  Even animals and insects can be conditioned into certain perceptions.  If you take a baby elephant and tie it’s leg to a post or tree with a strong chain, it will grow up to believe that it cannot escape from even a flimsy rope tied around its leg later in life. 

Self-Esteem and the Power of Conscious Choice

Self-esteem can be strengthened as we come to realize that we are more than what we have been conditioned to believe about ourselves.  We often take it for granted that we are ‘just the way I am’. 

Actually, as the old Bible proverb goes ‘As a man (person) thinks in his heart, so is he’, with reference to the heart being feeling nature.  Our self-esteem is affected by genetics from our Human side heredity and by our environmental experiences. 

To the degree that we are aware of our power to effect conscious change, we can determine the quality of our life experience.  As a Human Being, I potentially can run the gamut of characters on the stage of life. 

When I went to see Batman the other day with my son, one of the messages I saw was how humans can change their persona depending on their circumstances, which to me is true. 

Low Self-Esteem In Disguise: The Judge

Low self-esteem is at an epidemic level if truth were told.  It’s not the kind of topic that is discussed around the proverbial water cooler, but nonetheless, it is at the root of much unnecessary suffering. 

This is why it is so important to me.  I used to have low self-esteem, or chronic feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness, despite my outward academic and professional accomplishments. 

In fact, one of my driving motivations to achieve my goals used to be running from low self-esteem.  I thought that if I could just accomplish enough that I would feel better about myself.  While it did help me to feel more confident, it did very little to improve my sense of self-worth. 

Somehow, I just could not earn enough approval to overcome my inner critic.  What is also interesting, is in those days I was also very judgmental and critical of others as well.  Now I know why. 

Confidence Building Tip: Improv Your Way to Confidence

Confidence building is made easier by getting comfortable with change.  There is only one thing you can count on and that is change. 

As I look around me, change seems to be happening at a more rapid rate than ever.  Creativity is a great way to exercise your brain and develop mind muscle.  Most people say they like creativity, but then most people turn around and say they don’t like change. 

Here is a paradox – you can’t create without change!  I am presently taking an Improvisation class at a nationally respected theater school in Chicago.

In Improv, you have to be creative and react in scenes and situations without preparation – on the spot! I have never done improv, and my reasons for taking it is to enhance my spontaneity, develop more intuition and, quite frankly, get out of yet another cramped box! You can imagine how it can help your speaking confidence as well. 

Having to think - no feel - on my feet so quickly and creatively is not something I would do in my everyday routine.  However, it is worth the effort for me as I have already realized how theses skills will help me to refine my speaking skills. 

Also, and importantly, when you learn new skills and take action, it helps to develop your brain, and ‘re-wire’ your connections to be more flexible to accept change.  Need I say more?  Adaptability is not only important for building confidence; it is a skill set that will have to be in the 'toolbox' if you want to prosper in the 21st century.

Confidence Building and Change: How Change Affects Your Brain

Confidence is generally something that comes with trying new tasks and developing new skills.  This of course requires a willingness to change. 

Change is something that may as well be a four-letter word to most people.  Very early in life we learn to fear change - also the unknown.  In fact, it is this fear of the unknown that causes people to freeze when it comes to approaching the idea of change. 

I decided as a teenager that change would be my motto in life.  If I wanted to change my circumstances, I was going to have to embrace change.  Thank God I was and I am, a self-starter. 

My independence also helped me to avoid the trap of waiting on the approval of others to get started.  Since I felt like the outsider in my primary family, once I felt my connection to Spirit, (this was my source of courage) I decided that with 6 billion people on the planet, eventually I would find a compatible group of people to support me. 

Mindfulness: A Practical Way to Build Mind Muscle

Mindfulness is something that I have put my focus on, so to speak with more intention this year.  I have been meditating for many years now. 

There are different forms and certainly, many misconceptions about meditation, but mindfulness in particular has attracted much attention in Neuroscience and brain research these days.  This is for good reason. 

I have without a doubt noticed an improvement in my ability to focus, my ability to stay present in the moment and an increased awareness of what others are feeling.  In other words, I am more attuned to the present moment. 

One thing about Science is that it can be helpful to validate information, but it can be harmful if one only depends on permission from science to trust their experience or even the experience of others that they have a close relationship with. 

Mindfulness is an ANCIENT practice, which used to be ridiculed by western science and was considered left field by society in general.  Even when I first started meditating ten years ago, I met resistance from my spouse, (fortunately, I make up my own mind about my own mind!) and did not generally discuss it with others because I did not want to bother with their judgmental attitudes. 

Is Confidence and Ego Connected?

Confidence is automatically associated in a negative way with ego in the minds of many people.  I have often heard people say that a confident person has to have a ‘big ego’.

What is ego?  Did you know that the Latin translation for ego is literally ‘I’?  I’ve had an understanding of the ego that is practical for many years now, which I concluded from reading many books from a variety of disciplines.

Ego as defined by Eckert Tolle’s ‘A New Earth” is the one that works for me.  I use this book here as an example, because it was brought into mainstream conscious awareness by Oprah’s powerful International Webinar this past spring.

Ego is a mental construct, an aspect of mind (the mind it NOT the same as the brain).  We all need an ego, but the problem is with a WOUNDED ego, and the added problem is when we think we ARE the ego. 

Ego in Latin meaning ‘I’, is the false “I” or sense of self.  Your True Self is of a spiritual nature, not a construct of the mind.  True Self is the awareness that observes the thought that Tolle refers to.  Our confidence and self-esteem can be weakened when we associate our identity, our sense of self with ego. 

In fact, it has been my personal experience that during the years that my ego was blatantly wounded, my confidence was less, not more.